Archive for November, 2008
day effing 800!
You’d think if I could stick to this for so long I might be able to keep a job or stick to a diet huh?
But it does look like it took me this long to figure out how to light myself
more on modesty, I think I’m repeting myself
I think it’s interesting I’m so conflicted. I’m concerned I’ll offend religious women wearing something that is so strongly religious. I’m especially concerned if I don the shalya with my regular clothes, t-shirts and jeans with a jacket I’ll look like I’m deliberately defying the principals of hijab. The other day I was out - driving wearing a shayla and I’m confident my hair was sticking out. An hijabi in a car next to me was totally checking out my head gear. I thought about smiling, but instead I tucked my hair in and kept my eyes forward.
When I look around, I see many women on the street covered modestly, and are still intensely hip. But, it’s fall in Seattle, so, it’s natural to be wearing layers and scarves and hats and all that. Summer is definitely different. I wear long sleeve cotton blouses and shirts - a good fit is hard to find, I have broad shoulders, long thick arms, a long torso and a narrow waist. My arms make finding something to wear the hardest. I can get something that fits mostly except they’re too tight at the top of the arms, or too short in the sleeve. All those years of body building I guess. If I find something to fit my arms, it would need lots of tailoring through the body to look nice.
I think because I am tattooed and have goofy hair, I want to cover it all up. I’ve been covering it up for years. I used to wonder what was the point of having tattoos if you’re just gonna cover them, but the longer I have them, the more personal they become and the more they really are nobody elses business. After I’ve known people a while then I’ll uncover, but they have to be "safe" people. I’m pretty sure I have had some associates for years who’ve never seen my tattoos in person, if they even know I have them.
I think that being modest, or adopting modest behaviors just because god or some scripture says so is ill informed. I really want all people do things that they’ve thought through and concluded works for them. But then I won’t do anything because I’m told to, I must come to it on my own, by my own discovery. I must understand for myself that it’s the right thing to do for myself. Certain Christian, Catholic and Mormon flavors of modesty make my skin crawl. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe it’s the jumper dresses that kind of look like little girls dresses, the stylings just aren’t mature, stylish or elegant, let alone, going the other direction, playful, accommodating and free.
I think I’m tired of people confronting me because of my tattoos. I’m tired of the insincere conversation starters I get that many people are unwilling to finish. In addition, I’m really sick of people touching my tattoos uninvited. It doesn’t happen as much anymore, for the simple fact that I don’t leave the house very often. But when I went out socializing or networking people would grab at me all the time. This is just unacceptable, I’m not available for petting.
there is more… I’m tired and it’s just not coming out well.
40 is the new 30… almost
after lighting discussion - well durring really.
What did I learn?
I need umbrellas.
Photo by Stuart Updegrave
what’s on my birthday list? Umbrellas
and lemme just say, when I see pictures like this it’s hard for even me to believe I’m turning 40 next month.
day 57/788 a modest proposal. Can I get one of these in gortex?
this is not a well formed thought - and I’ll be editing it.
Those who know me in real life may have noticed without a second thought that I am always pretty covered up and I don’t wear makeup much. I am super modest and almost always have been. My modesty is deep seated and very old, yet has nothing to do with religion. I wish it did it’d be easier to explain if it were ever questioned, which it isn’t. Now, I’ve gotten all kinds of sexy when it comes to costumes, oh boy, that’s a different story!
The following video series on the hijab discusses why and how it’s managed in Islam, many of the same tenants apply to my own modesty.
welovehijab.com/2008/08/22/muslim-fashion-videos-washingt…
I’m seriously considering some kind of super westernized non-religious head covering to top off my already modest personal dress code.
I’m not quite sure what it would look like, probably not nearly as elegant as hijab, and likely not nearly as flamboyant as this yellow scarf. I already wear a hat and hood as it is, but that’s pretty low brow. I know there must be other non-religious women who practice modest dress - wow to say it that way makes it sound creepy - lets try that again, I know there must be other women who aren’t practicing or devoutly religious who observe some level of personal modesty with fun funky urban styling.
… I just let my fingers do the walking here
NPR
www.npr.org/templates/player/mediaPlayer.html?action=1&am…
Wall Street Journal
online.wsj.com/article/SB118254928882245220.html?mod=goog…
The articles talk about girls and young women rebelling against trends to be sexy. Standing up for their dignity and personal choices to behave how they see fit for themselves - perhaps a 4th wave of feminism is occurring. The author of Girls gone Mild interviewed an 11 year old girl who was fed up with her shopping experiences, looking for shirts and pants that overlap.
That I can relate to! I’m kinda tall, shirts are generally too short for me, unless I buy them at an LDS approved store for modest layering options. I’ve talked about how hard it is to find longer shirts, and people look at me like I’m crazy…especially guys… like why the hell would I want to cover my tummy? Um, because I’m cold. A few years ago I started wearing wide knit or crochet scarves around my midsection to fill the gap between my shirts and pants. Thankfully present fashions have been a little longer.
I’m of the mind to agree with the idea that the veil is empowering. I agree that covering up does allow us to be seen for our character and skills. The more tattooed I am, the more I cover up - it’s just nobodies business, you’d be surprised by how many strangers touch me. My hair, I love it kooky colored, love it, feels totally natural to me, but I acknowledge that I am creating barriers for myself. I got the most crap when I had dreadlocks, (rolls eyes). I imagine, I’m making myself unemployable by having kooky hair - wearing something like hijab seems like the most obvious and easy way to eliminate that as a possibility.
My boyfriend is probably going to think I’m nuts.
day 56/787
this whole off camera light doesn’t seem as predictable. I know that’s not true but… I just don’t have the hang of it. Need a book or something.
My mood has been in the dumps because I went off the head pills about 2 1/2 weeks ago for good well guided reasons. It’s been bonkers. It’s an experiment. Don’t know that going off will be worth it, but there is only one way to find out. So, my emotions are 0-60 in 4 seconds, one wheel off the ground until I can shift a gear or two and get leveled out. It’s too soon to tell if going off the drugs will help the insomnia any. I think it will. Melotonin only kinda works xanax totally works but I only have a sample, and really it’s trading one for another. Hopefully what I have will reclock the circadian rhythm and I can get back on a more normal schedule. B is helping by adjusting his with me, so we’re not working against each other.
May I take your picture?
Pretty please? I am really really sick of taking pictures of myself (unless they’re really good of course)
Project One: Straight Portraits
I would very much like to schedule portraits with other folks. Here’s my schtick, classic sit down portraits in nice light - I don’t want to see your nekkid junk, or you in bed, strung up on a device of some kind. Nope, I want to take the kind of picture you’d send to your grandparents… but funky Q stylee. Once they’re edited I’ll share the files with you so you can do what you will, and I’ll maintain rights so I can do what I want with them, at your consent, simple. For the cost of a pint of ice cream - no fruit, please.
Project Two: Guided Self Portraits - The Exorcist
I am preparing a series depicting the long term results of abuse, neglect, rape, molestation or any other really dark and scary hard shit we’re asked to suppress. Do you have something boiling beneath the surface?
This is probably more like therapy in which I hand you my tools and walk away for a bit. I am not a councilor or therapist, I am a good listener and have an active and creative mind. I have found taking self portraits to be very cathartic. Over the last two years I’ve peeled away thin, thin layers of myself often reveling some really delicate and difficult shit and because I want to maintain relationships with other humans I find a way to exorcise it. I somehow muster the strength to just dig in and pull it up to the surface. make a picture of it and fucking talk about it (blog it really). I’ve found people genuinely want to know me, even the creepy fucked up shit. By making myself more transparent, I’ve become more real, more tangible more something without victimizing myself in anyway.
Making these pictures comes in stages and takes time to conceptualize the image. 1. I foresee talking a lot of time talking about what you’d like to manifest. 2. We’ll pick at it a bit and talk about how to make it into a photo. 3. Pull materials together for the shot 4. I’ll show you how to use the gear then dismiss myself for hour. 5. I edit and we review them, you make the final call as to whether it gets used or not. Maybe we do it one day, maybe we do it over the course of weeks - that I think will depend on you.
Project Three: Performers
I started this whole picture taking thing when I broke myself with the intent of eventually taking pictures of all my performer buddies - as I cannot perform/spin/dance/hootchy-kootchy anymore - I know what you want to see of yourselves. Promo shots, studio shots, performance shots, I know how you want. Comp me in and I’ll make you look awesome (you know I was doing it before anyway).
you in?
discarded soul
I can find a silver lining for every cloud.
